Understanding the Five Stages of Divorce Grief

Divorce can be one of the most challenging experiences during the course of a lifetime. With this in mind, there are different stages of divorce grief. By understanding the five stages of divorce grief, you place yourself in a better position to maneuver through the marriage dissolution process in an effective, efficient, and healthier manner. We take a moment to discuss the divorce stages of grief. These stages generally are thought to be:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• acceptance

The first stage of grief when dealing with divorce is denial. In this phase, individuals often grapple with the reality of their situation and find it challenging to acknowledge the impending end of their marriage. This stage is characterized by feelings of shock, denial, and sometimes disbelief. The individual may struggle to comprehend that the dissolution of their marriage is indeed happening. This denial can be seen as a defense mechanism that helps them temporarily shield themselves from the immediate shock of the divorce. During this phase, the person might subconsciously ignore the reality of their situation, immersing themselves in other tasks or deliberately avoiding conversations related to the divorce to suppress their feelings. In some cases, they might even cling to the hope that the divorce won't materialize or that their marital relationship will revert to how it used to be.

As the protective layer of denial gradually fades, the individual moves on to the second stage, which is anger. At this point, the reality of the divorce and the associated emotional pain become more prominent. This stage is often marked by feelings of anger, resentment, or betrayal. The individual might channel their anger towards their spouse, accusing them of causing the emotional turmoil they are experiencing. Alternatively, they might direct their anger at the situation itself, feeling that it’s unfair or unjust, or even towards themselves for failing to prevent the divorce. The expression and release of this anger is a critical part of the healing process as it allows the individual to vent out their pent-up emotions.

The third stage, bargaining, is characterized by the individual's attempts to negotiate or compromise in a desperate bid to save the marriage. They might find themselves trying to negotiate with their spouse, promising changes in behavior, suggesting couple's therapy, or offering other significant life adjustments that they believe could resolve the issues that led to the divorce. But the bargaining isn't always with the spouse. Sometimes, it can also be with oneself. In an effort to make sense of their situation, the individual might reflect on what they could have done differently or explore various ways to cope with the impending changes.

The fourth stage of divorce grief, depression, sets in when the reality of the divorce fully sinks in. This stage is marked by feelings of intense sadness, loss, and depression. The individual might feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the changes that are occurring in their life. They may experience deep feelings of hopelessness, regret, fear, and uncertainty, which could lead to them withdrawing from social activities, facing difficulties in concentrating, or undergoing changes in appetite and sleep patterns. This stage, while extremely challenging, is important to understand as not a sign of mental illness. Instead, it's a natural and appropriate response to the significant loss they're facing.

The final stage of divorce grief is acceptance. This stage signifies the individual's journey towards coming to terms with the reality of the divorce and the end of the marriage. The individual begins to accept their new reality and starts to look forward to their new life. They commence rebuilding their life, making plans for the future, setting new goals, and redefining their identity outside the confines of the marriage. This doesn't mean they are completely okay with what happened or that they no longer feel the pain of loss, but they understand and accept that it's time to move forward. This stage brings about adjustment, acceptance, and the readiness to embrace the new normal of their life. When acceptance occurs, you find yourself in a position to move onward with your life in a productive and satisfying manner. If you are facing a divorce, call (201) 845-7400 for a free consultation.